In a week where the headlines are focused on school closings, teacher union battles, and staff shortages, this piece felt like the perfect comment on some school district situations. The piece titled, “A Note of Reassurance from Your District Regarding Our Updated Omicron Policy,” aptly uses sarcasm to express the frustration and confusion of parents this January. Today, maybe more than ever, parents feel a loss of control over their children’s education.

From the beginning of the piece, here’s a taste of Omicron school satire:

Dear Parents,

Hope you had a wonderful, relaxing break with family and friends. We’re delighted to welcome you back to school as we celebrate a return to normalcy. We want to assure you that schools are open, safe, and operating completely as usual. However, we did want to alert you to some policy changes to ensure a robust learning environment for all!

Your child’s classroom will have no teachers… 

Depending on age and local funding, your child’s classroom will be staffed by:

• A small robot with lifelike emotions on loan from NASA

• YouTube and TikTok (please refer to our “Healthy Social Media Policy” on page 391 of the school handbook for an FAQ)

• Reruns of Disney’s Bunk’d

• A local middle-school student who is on the tail-end of quarantining

This strategy will allow us to keep schools operational and enriching. Feel free to contact us with any specific questions.

Check out the full feature below and consider the way it highlights how stuck parents feel with poor school options in their districts: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-note-of-reassurance-from-your-school-district-regarding-our-updated-omicron-policies?fbclid=IwAR1SKZEvO8yRA54CWiW8ipnVTWvERs5WtlBRBrXK-ReiKnPvpXpQqbWZXOE

Think they deserve more? Check out what we do here.